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ilikeitraw's Blog


Damn Not Given

Yet again, I feel compelled to write, but have nothing cohesive to lay down. The only thing I can think to write about is the fact that I feel completely dead inside. I don't see why I should care to live, or even care about the lives around me. Five billion years from now our entire solar system will cease to be hospitable for life as we know it. Nothing matters. Everything changes and nothing will remain. People are assholes and will continue to be assholes. I fail to be compelled to give a shit about anything. Life is for enjoying, but I have yet to find anything I enjoy. At least enough to say that life's worth living.

Mr. Warner will be in town relatively soon, and he refuses to leave my thoughts. I finally bought and read his book. It was a let down. I was hoping it would help me find something to dislike about him. I'm afraid the opposite betide me. Fuck, he just seems so damn cool! Such a bad ass. I'm utterly smitten and he doesn't even know I exist. ::sigh:: Pathetic. Borderline psycho.

I struggle to connect with comrade much as of late. All he can talk about is stuff about which I don't care. Such as new city regulations and the output of the nearest petroleum refiner. These things are mildly interesting and I like to hear them--in moderation. Moderation isn't practiced. The catalog of useless trivia is incessantly spewed at a maddening frequency. When I try to talk about what I've recently read or thought about, his interest rapidly wanes, and the conversation fails to develop into an engaging exchange. I wish our encounters were more meaningful, interesting, and insightful. But alas, it isn't so.

We All Die Alone

It is what it is

Love & Peace


Into the Abyss

I'm greatly enjoying not having a slave master. At the same time, however, finances and meeting UI deadlines is stressful. It's strange. I feel happier and sadder at the same time. I feel more connected with V recently, and I've had some inexplicably wonderful experiences with my nephews. At the same time, however, I feel like I'm in a hopeless downward spiral that lands nowhere exciting. I don't have enough money to travel, or explore new subjects and activities, and I basically get to have sex just once a month, if I'm lucky. Shit sucks. Kicking the bad-eating habit is also proving to be quite a challenge still. Every day I think it would be a nice time to expire. It crosses my mind quite often now. Though I have yet to thoroughly consider any particular exit strategy. I currently am unable to see a joyful future for myself. I mean, to think that right now I am in my prime, and that it's pretty much all downhill from here is fucking depressing. The only thing I look forward to is watching my nephews grow up, but what then? This week has been pretty darn good, though. I worked on a house-mural with V and have gone hiking with comrade. I guess I'm mostly stressed and feel held back by the financial handicap. I still don't feel free to do what I want in my life. I feel like I don't even want that much. It's not so outrageous or unreasonable. Fucking money.

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Final Countdown

I suppose it's time for an update. I have kind of gotten back into ballet. I'm just doing it once a week at a pretty beginner level that isn't very intensive or progressive. I plan to do it this way until I'm in better shape, at which point I will fork out the dough to take some real classes that are 2-3 times a week. My diet is still changing and is anything but rigid. I've managed to have green smoothies for breakfast at least 2 times a week. I'd like to maintain it on a daily basis. Grocery shopping's a bitch...

I am, in fact, being laid off from work. Again. For the third time in five years. From what I gather, however, I will be able to come back in a couple of months--most likely. Soooo, I'm fucking stoked to have a decent break from my slave labors. Yay! Haha, I've upset people who ask me what I'm going to do because my response is most often "collect unemployment." Yeah, that's right, I am the 47%!! Heh. Right now, I have (not counting today) 3 days of work left. THREE DAYS!!!! I can't FUCKING WAIT!!!!        FREEEEDOM!

Aside from that I'm still struggling to figure out what I want to do long term. I have a lot of mini-passions, but I'm not sure if I've discovered the full-blown lifelong passion quite yet. Which is kind of frustrating. I'm thinking that my escape from the 9-5 should give me the time to start sorting through that--or at least give me time to feel like I've BEGUN sorting through it all.

One thing that I recently became aware of is that I absolutely love engaging with people through writing about issues of which I have a seemingly radical perspective. I've considered possibly starting a blog or something similar wherein I flesh out and present my perspective of social, cultural, philosophical, and religious issues and offer a real-time discussion about it. Or something like that, anyway... I find it exhilarating and energizing whenever I'm on the interwebs deep in discussion. I could literally do it all day long. I'm just not sure how to turn that into something productive, useful, and ultimately profitable. I think I might work out some essays whilst unemployed.

Well, until next time...

It is what it is

Love and Peace

Ctrl

I am starting to feel a little more in control of my life right now. I will be getting back into ballet within the next week, hopefully. I'm also realizing things about my diet that could be improved, and I'm excited to get into it more. I've been a little overly obsessed with trying to eat vegetables more than anything else, which doesn't work to well since veggies are incredibly low in calories. I read some parts of a book on raw foods that talked about eating mostly fruit throughout the day to get your calories and then having SOME veggies and FEW nuts and seeds. Recently, I had been trying to eat mostly a wide variety of veggies, and getting calories from nuts and seeds, which, according to the book, isn't the best idea; and it leaves you hungry for much of the day. I'm pretty happy that I feel 'safe' eating a LOT of fruit again.

I've still been able to get up at 3am most mornings (I missed maybe 2 or 3) and run for an hour. I'm a little disappointed that I am not seeing any significant results yet, but I'm determined to stick with it.

I've been pretty isolated the last few months, and it's starting to take a bit of a toll on me. I'm even more awkward when I am around people now. I have a hard time staying engaged in any conversation lately as well. I think I want some new friends. I don't know how to make any though. I kind of clash with 'bar types,' and I don't really know where else I could meet new people. I'm not too concerned about this. I mostly just want to interact with like minds, and, fortunately or unfortunately, there are few like mine.

I still feel unimportant to all but maybe one person I know. ::sigh:: Life's hard.

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Something

Again, I don't have anything in particular that I want to say, I just feel like writing something. I still feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, trying really hard to get going, but not really moving anywhere. Hmmm.

I just decided to try something...

Money is no object, and I have all the time in the world. What will I do?

Day 1
Wake up 2 hours before sunrise--Meditate for 20 min or more, then run for an hour ; snacking on kale chips and berries
Strength train for 20-30 min
Stretch for 20-30 min
Shower--get dressed and ready (2 hrs)
Juice produce and consume (45 min to eat and clean up)
Tidy house for 30 min
Rosetta stone for 20 min or more
Play an instrument for 30 min or more
Lunch--smoothie and salad (30 min or more)
Create for 30 min or more
Get out and do something new 1 hr or more
Find something to do the next day (30 min or more research)
Plan a trip--Amsterdam in the Spring; Portugal, Spain, Italy, Bosnia in the Fall; Australia or Thailand in the Winter; Sweden, Ireland, Iceland, Norway in the Summer (1 hr or more)
Find a ballet class (1 hr or more)
Consider sculpting class (30 min or more)

I think this is a good outline for how I would spend my days 'off' from vacations--where I would be exploring with comrade.

Well... After fleshing that out, I see that many of these items could be accomplished prior to acquiring a substantial amount of money. In light of this, I think I might start trying to do these daily.

Today when I get home:
Put groceries away
Empty dishwasher; put dirties away
Juice produce and consume
Talk games--decide between gaming, instrument playing, rosetta stone, and reading.
Find final pictures for next collage and print (time permitting)

Well, I feel better than when this started.

It is what it is

Love & Peace





Hmph

I don't really have anything to say today... I'm mostly just bored at work right now... Shocking; I know. Still can't get Brian out of my mind. ::sigh:: I don't think I've ever wanted to meet a celebrity to get to know the 'real them' until now. And it's driving me completely bonkers. Grrr. I wish I could move on already. I feel like a pathetic 14 year old.   : /

Anyway... I was actually able to get myself out of bed every day this week at 3 am to run for an hour. Pretty happy with myself about that.

I had a dream about Mr T&S last night. Ew. I remember I was wearing my black and brown front-button sweater, but I don't remember ever noting his apparel. We were at my house and he was trying to apologize, and I wasn't going for it.  He tried to force-hug me closely, which, in both dreams as well as reality--regardless of who it is--makes me melt. Not in an aroused way, but it's still weird. Then I woke up. I haven't thought about him much recently, so I'm not sure why this popped into my head. ...Or why my head popped into that scenario... I still feel the same about him.

My motivation to do anything with my spare time other than sleep is waning drastically. ::sigh:: I still feel hopeless right now. Hopefully sticking with an exercise regimen and eating better will help me in this department, since absolutely nothing else is.

I miss the sunshine, I miss having people who want to hang out with me, I miss my poor domino, but most of all, I miss the semblance of sanity.

What do I want to do with myself?

Love&Peace

Letting Go

I'm still not sure how to express myself appropriately. I feel a deep desire to create, but I'm at a loss as to how or what to create. I feel empty. Hollow. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that I HAVE been living my life for others and not for myself. I've done what others want me to do, and not what I want to do. I'm pretty sure I've been doing this for most of my life; which is why I don't quite know how to start living for myself. I haven't a clue what I really want to do, what I like, and what my passions are. Frankly, this scares the shit out of me. Do I even have a chance at living a life I enjoy? Is it too late for me now? What the fuck do I do??? How would I even start?

When I compare myself to myself, and assess my achievements and what I'm proud of doing in my life, I find that I am not proud of my academic success (or lack thereof), nor am I proud of my accomplishments at work; but I am proud of my sculptures, collages, and the progress I made while I was doing ballet. I recently started thinking of these things because of an article I read that was about finding your purpose, and I'd never looked at my life and desires in terms of my achievements and things of which I am proud. You know what else I'm proud of? I'm proud of myself for having the courage to share my thoughts here, even though it is supposedly anonymous. I've considered numerous times deleting every single stupid post on here, but I've fought my inner critic and still want to leave this vulnerable space open. For now.

I am afraid of pursuing those things of which I am and would be proud, because I worry I won't be good, or good enough; and I'm scared that I will end up embarrassing myself.

I guess if I want to be happy in this life, I need to let go of my fears and embrace the things that I love. As long as I'm loving it, whether I can do it well or not doesn't really matter.

Let the exploring begin.

Love & Peace

Transitions

Well, I've finally accepted that the missing link, and possibly entire foundation, for building my road to happiness is in what I eat. I've been putting it off for so long now, and trying to do everything BUT change my diet, that my unmet nutritional needs have become overwhelmingly obvious. It seems that when I eat living foods that I feel better physically, as well as mentally, and even spiritually. I understand that this idea is strange to most people; it was strange to me as well. The impact of eating living foods is so incredibly strong and so amazing that I can't begin the describe the experience. I kept telling myself that it was too inconvenient, expensive, or whatever, but that is clearly not the reality of the situation. It's actually more convenient, and once you have the supplies (ie dehydrator, juicer, blend-tech or vitamix etc) it's not more expensive. I'm thinking that once I've been doing this for a week or more, then I'll really notice a difference, and I'll share that here. It seems that this change in diet will help everything else fall into place: I'll have more energy and motivation to exercise in order to burn that energy, and I'll be more clear-headed and able to figure out what I really want in life, and how to get there. I finally have comrade on board, which makes this seem like it will actually take-off this time. I'm pretty excited.

I just can't get Brian Warner out of my fucking head. I don't REALLY know why, either. I mean, I haven't met the guy or anything, I don't REALLY know him, but I can't get rid of the dude. At this point, I just want to get him out of my thoughts. He's taking up so much of my time that it's becoming ridiculous--and possibly unhealthy... I've been meditating daily now, improving my focus little by little, but I just can't shake him yet. I don't see me ever even having the chance to really meet him, so I don't know why I waste my time imagining conversations with him. Every. Single. Day. When I wake up, when I'm working, when I get home, when I'm going to sleep: he's there. Well, not even him, but a shadow of his essence. How much longer am I going to be stranded in this sea of thoughts??? I kind of wonder if I'm drawn to him in a kindred spirit sort of way, or if I'm just creepy and obsessive... Either way, he's driving me mad. I wish I knew what it would take to make it stop. Just. Stop.

Sooo the neighbor that my cat attacked, the one with the black cat with the same name as my cat, that's my age, goes to the school I went to, and is studying what I studied, is now going to be female as well...  THAT was unexpected. Haha, so I told Mr T&S that if his relationship goes south, that my neighbor will be 'transitioning' to a woman this year. Maybe I should mention that he had an experience with a tranny once that he was pretty upset about. sHe didn't tell him that sHe used to be a man, and his friends are pretty sure he got head from HEr. Needless to say, it has previously been a sore subject for Mr T&S. He didn't respond, of course, but I'm still laughing.

I'm hoping that putting my thoughts here will help me let go of them... ::sigh:: Life's hard.


Love & Peace

It's Been a Little While

Well, I'm not sure how to start this, so I'll begin by discharging my more 'negative' thoughts. As you can probably guess, it relates to Mr T&S. He's been set on the back-burner under the title 'friendly acquaintance' for a while now, but after some recent mistreatment--which included, but wasn't limited to, him throwing a hard, plastic and wood drink menu at my fucking face--I've officially thrown him down the ranks to 'acquaintance.' I made sure he was acutely aware of this transition, and have received no response, apology, acknowledgement, or anything of the sort.  I don't expect change. In the moments when he was being a dick on New Year's Eve, I have never, in my entire life, felt so compelled to slap a bitch. I've been treated poorly by others, arguably much worse than how Mr T&S treated me, but I've never been so disgusted and enraged by someone. I suppose you could say that this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Since that night, my view of him changed dramatically, and my respect for him dropped lower than I thought possible. What gets me the most, is the fact that he hasn't spoken to me since. I probably wouldn't be as upset if he had apologized or explained himself in some way. I'm not really upset at the fact that he hasn't spoken to me, more confused, but this fact has intensified my displeasure. He makes me feel worthless; and I would be incredibly dim if I were to still regard this person as my friend. I won't go so far as to say that I hate him, but I also won't go so far as to say I like him. He has contributed significantly to my experiences, but it seems his contribution has come to an end. At this point, his presence takes away from my experiences--which is how I have felt the last five times I've seen him. This is where we currently reside. My last thought on this issue is: there are always multiple sides to every story, and I know only one with regards to this particular story--mine. I don't care too much to revisit this story with him, but if he decides to re-open this book, I'm open to reading his version.

I recently applied for a new job, and this one I actually hope to get. I applied to others and was interviewed, but wasn't terribly excited at the prospects. This position, however, I am quite excited about and I truly hope I am offered the job. We shall see...

Recently, while drowning in more of my imaginary dialogues with Brian Warner, I discovered that I actually don't want to meet him. Ever. It was a strange and sad realization, and I cried when I thought about it. If we were to actually meet, I don't know what I would say to him, and I'm fairly certain the meeting would be so short it would be almost pointless. I'm also fairly certain that since I've imagined meeting him so many times and talking for a relatively long time, that it is unlikely I would be anything other than disappointed and underwhelmed by the real experience. I guess I'm mostly afraid that I would be unnoticed in some way, when I'm wanting to make a real and lasting connection. In fact, the chances of him pursuing a connection with any one of his fans while doing a meet and greet is so slim, that I'm almost guaranteed disappointment. Also, in picturing the actual event of meeting him in person, I see myself being so overwhelmed with shyness that I don't know if I could even really go through with it; and even if I did, it would, in all likelihood, end with me just wishing it had gone differently and that he was actually interested in me as a person. I realize that I am paralyzed by my fear, but my fear doesn't seem irrational or illogical. The only other thing I feel I can point to is that I would be unable to go into the situation without some sort of expectation, and expectations are the framework for disappointment. If I could let go of my expectations, I believe I could also release my fear. Ugh, now I'm reconsidering... I'll leave it at this: if he comes to my town and I happen to have an extra 500 bucks, I promise myself that I will use the opportunity to put myself out there and give it a go. In fact, if at any point in the future, such an opportunity presents itself, I promise myself to take the opportunity to practice letting go as well as talking to strangers.

In other news... I've decided to attempt to develop psychic abilities. Yeah, I'm gonna be one of 'those' people. It's quite funny, really. Throughout my life I've looked at 'those' people with disdain and an air of condescension, and I'm well on my way to being the complete nut I would have hated to meet only a few years ago. I digress... I'm convinced that modern science is simply behind and our tools can only measure so much; and consciousness is one thing that cannot currently be measured or studied well.  I also think that, though there certainly exist people who claim to possess such abilities and attempt to use them without pure intentions, I believe that it's completely possible that genuine abilities exist; for the same reasons people believe in the existence of ghosts, spirits, or any other paranormal phenomena. There is at least a grain of truth to everything out there. I also believe that if there were truth to government conspiracies, one thing that they would most definitely want to make sure of is that the general populous consists of people who don't believe in themselves and are out of touch with their 'higher' selves. You see, if everyone developed psychic abilities, and fully recognized and utilized the law of attraction, there would be no hope of controlling anyone. If people are deluded into thinking that it's even possible for them to be controlled, then they will simply LET themselves be controlled. This would potentially work to a degree, given that the control isn't consciously handed over, but it is willingly handed over nonetheless. However, if we were to awaken ourselves and tune into our 'collective consciousness,' then we would find our freedom and, ultimately, our bliss. In light of the things mentioned above, I am actively pursuing a better connection with my unconscious mind, higher self, god, or whatever you may call it. For reference, I am meditating daily now, eating more 'living' foods, and questioning my reality a little more every day. Hopefully, even if I don't develop kickass, magic powers, these choices will still benefit me in some way.

It is what it is

Live and let live

Love & Peace


Lost Again

Well, I was feeling pretty damn good for a while, there. However, at the present moment, I'm not super elated. Not even a little, really. It seems as though I'm spinning my wheels again. The business situation seemed to have good potential, but it's kind of falling by the way-side. It's a little too far off for me to feel like it will actually happen. I'm just absolutely hating everyday of work, and it's eating at me again. I just want OUT. I wish I could expedite the process somehow, or at least see the vague road-map of where we're headed.

I'm also letting myself get lost in my thoughts again. Badly. I'm not sure why I can't stop. I don't know why it feels like I'm resolving anything or gaining a greater understanding by sitting there running imaginary dialogues in my mind. I dunno. Maybe I'll get back into meditating again... Grr, every train I hop on, I seem to fall off of rather quickly. ::sigh:: I frustrate myself. At least I've been able to keep working out somewhat regularly. Which is definitely an improvement from not doing it at all. Need to find the vegan station again, too...

Hm, I'm not sure if my diet could be making me feel shitty and think shitty thoughts about my life, or if my life really is just incredibly shitty.

I am just clueless as to where I actually am right now. I feel like giving up. To be completely honest, I don't feel important to anyone, really--not even myself. Which might be why I carry on imaginary dialogues, so I can pretend that I am important and interesting. Unfortunately, reality doesn't mirror my imagination. I don't know how to make positive changes in this area, and, frankly, I don't know that it's even possible. Which is a somewhat disturbing thought. Well, whatever...

It is what it is

Live and Let Live

Love & Peace

Improving

I went on  a much needed and very much enjoyed vacation to the Caribbean. There I was with B and comrade and it  was a total blast!! We also talked business which is what really made me happy. To be able to ditch my slave labors would be simply amazing. I'm very eager to get started on whatever I need to make this shit happen, and I'm willing to do just about anything that will help move things along. I hope this pans out, and I am confident that this has quite the potential to start a journey in the direction with which I would be happy. I could travel and dance and not feel like a cheap slave waiting to die. Whatever it takes. I'm all in. And I'm FUCKING ecstatic. Not much else to say...

It is what it is

Live and let live

Love & Peace

Stagnant

Every day is the same, more or less. My weekends have gotten a thousand times better with the addition of a deck on my home, though. Makes for the best stay-cation I've ever had! Other than that, life is as it has been for the last several months. I'm trying to spice things up a titch, however, by doing some things I enjoy. For instance, I'm slowly working on a collage, I enjoy organizing images and offering a new perspective with it. Then, today, I decided to start learning how to juggle. I didn't have anything to juggle with... so I then learned to make rubber band balls. I'm far from amazing, but I'll give it some more practice tomorrow.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with/in my life, and it is easily the most challenging pursuit I've faced. I feel like I need some guidance or something to help me find my direction, so I am seeing a hypnotherapist. Hopefully that turns into something useful... He already, with my first (and so far, only) session, helped me overcome my intense and irrational fear of spiders. He claims he can help me with the rest. so I'm really hoping he comes through with that claim.

I've pretty much accepted that I don't have any real friends right now. Which kind of sucks. At the same time, it's been so long since I've had any regular contact with someone other than comrade, that I am out of touch with what the experience of having friends is actually like. It's such a distant experience that it's easy to not miss it. Another thought, is that I'm seeing for the first time, that none of  them ever were really my friends. None of them have been there for me emotionally when I needed someone most, and none of them are interested in me--at least not enough to talk to me unsolicited. So really, it's hard to miss something I never had. Oddly, this doesn't make me sad. It just is. I'm the only one who has a genuine interest in myself, and I've recently discovered that I am obsessed with myself. Which is why I constantly have imaginary dialogues with Brian Warner, wherein he is listening to me talk about myself. I mean, sure it kind of makes sense he's not talking about himself, simply because I don't know him enough to imagine what he might say, but it just recently occurred to me that it's an extremely self-centered practice in stroking my own ego.

I'm learning that I'm not at all special. I just am. Nothing is special. Some things may be popular, and popularly regarded as special, but it is merely an illusion. Everything will eventually become dust, be forgotten, be worthless. Attempting to preserve anything is a futile exercise. Nothing stays exactly the same. What makes things special is what also makes them mundane. If every single snowflake is unique, then when someone presents you with a snowflake and tells you "It's one of a kind," you may easily respond with, "No shit, they all are."

Something else I've recently thrown around in my mind is the alleged unethical action of murder. I don't have any desire to hurt anyone or anything, but I'm thinking on a larger scale and questioning if it's really 'wrong' to kill someone. I mean, some people think it's OK to kill animals, and pretty much everyone thinks it's also fine to kill plants. What's really at the heart of these thoughts is that we don't have a real understanding or grasp of what consciousness is. We easily dismiss the life of plants and some animals, but (and oh, how convenient it is)  not the life of the particular species we call humans. Human life is paramount-- QUITE the coincidence that it's humans that decided this... Not only are there exceptions for certain species, but there are also exceptions for war, self-defense, or when someone does something popularly deemed unforgivable. I can see that these ideas are highly flawed, and because of this, I don't know where a line can be appropriately drawn, if at all.  This doesn't make me think I'd be fine with offing someone, but it makes me think that I'd have a much more difficult time hating a 'murderer.' If a murderer is anyone who takes away innocent life, (I think 'life' on its own is more appropriate) then we all are murderers. Every fucking one of us.

I also think that rape is made out to be much worse than it actually is. We might pretend that only humans rape, but other animals rape each other too. Sure, it's usually an extremely unpleasant experience, but it happens. Shit happens.

The fact that there are laws against rape and murder doesn't make any real impact on whether or not they will happen. There may be a few people out there who would go out and murder and rape if it were legal, but I imagine that number is insignificant compared to those who won't. What I'm really driving at here, is that laws supply an illusion of safety. They merely create a middleman to deal with our issues. Not only that, but in the end, when all is said and done and laws have been enforced, the issue has never actually been resolved. People are still getting raped and murdered everyday. Even the people who are serving their time behind bars; they still commit crimes and harm people who are arguably undeserving. All the laws did was literally box up and move the issue somewhere else. Out of sight, out of mind. Since we don't see the atrocities on a regular basis, we all live on complacently. No one really stops to think about the fact that these laws aren't stopping the people who've already committed crimes from committing more, or the fact that these crimes are still being committed by someone on the outside every day. Until we REALLY understand that no one can be completely controlled, we will keep trying and failing to control everyone, and progress will not be made--only more illusions. Fortunately, nothing stays exactly the same, so someday we will maybe learn and make progress, or we'll hit rock bottom and be forced to rebuild ourselves in a new light. Hopefully, a progressive change will come soon. Once we know that we cannot control anything but ourselves, people will start to let go of judgements, competition, and expectations, and then we can all move towards being an enlightened society. Attachments to ideas of actions or experiences being 'right' or 'wrong' will only hold us back, right in the place from which the ideas came. The only growth will be limited to improving the lower state of our consciousness, as opposed to improving and growing into a freer, and less painful state of awareness altogether. We need to be loving, and not afraid. We're all so afraid that our neighbors are going to kill us, rape us, jew us, or do some other unpleasant thing that we WANT to be controlled, and we want everyone else to be controlled. Problem is, what's popularly considered unpleasant or right or wrong changes all the time. Demanding more limitations, more control. However, anyone with the will and capacity to break any given law, will do so. Once you understand that completely, you'll see how much of an illusion of safety laws are. You'll also discover that your fears aren't even all based in your own experiences nor do they accurately reflect reality. All we can control is ourselves, and if we want to make this world a better one, then we'll make ourselves better. It's all we can do. Be the change we want to see. You notice someone else doing something you don't like, then don't do it yourself. That's it. Rid yourself of the judgements you might pass on someone doing those things, don't expect anyone to act the way you do, no matter how obviously 'right' or 'superior' it may seem. Actions speak louder than words, and lecturing people or locking them away is an ineffective, and at best, extremely inefficient way of teaching others to be loving. Only when, as a whole, we individually shift our focus away from what others do and trying to control their actions and thoughts, and shift it towards improving ourselves, and only ourselves, will we know peace.

Well, shit, this turned into a long, and poorly constructed essay...

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Two Steps Back

Today isn't better. I doubt tomorrow will be either. It's starting to get the best of me. I wish I could just disappear. I don't want to be here anymore, and I don't know how to get out. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. Nothing does. I'm lost inside of my head all of the time. It's the only place I can escape to anymore. I'm basically tired of being alive. My mind is constantly filled with chatter, which is both good and bad; good because it's somewhere I can waste my time, bad because it's distracting and lonely. If I leave the chatter, then I am forced to face my dreary existence. I'd rather not. I'm not sure where I can go from here. The season is changing, and with it the days, along with my outlook on life, are increasingly gloomy. I'm having difficulty connecting with anyone. Comrade, my friends, and my family all seem far away from me. I've been trying for some time now to get out of a rut, but the rut seems to only grow deeper. Life is both a chore and a bore.

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Baby Steps

I finally went and saw Marilyn Manson in concert. I was pretty disappointed, mostly the venue sucked, and he only sang four or five songs. He's the one I went to see and he wasn't up there for long at all.  :(  Besides that, I enjoyed myself. Also, I learned only the day of the concert (damn my naivete!) that I could've thrown down a buck fifty to meet him in person after the show. I totally would've done it. DAMN! ::sigh:: Another time, perhaps...

I've been off of the vegan train for so long now that my constant tiredness has returned, along with the semi-regular headaches. The meat doesn't seem to get to me like the dairy does. Starting right this moment, going forward, I'm jumping back on the train; hoping I feel better in the next two weeks. I can't remember if it affected my mood or not, but if it did, then hopefully this will do wonders for me. I want to be motivated and have energy again. I want to have a ballet body. So, here I go.

Today, since I'm not working, I'm going to: clean my house, exercise, learn some Russian, and play some instruments.

Off I go!

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Meh

I don't really know what to write right now. I've just been feeling rather depressed and I thought writing here might make me feel a tad better. I've been so worried about how I'm going to get out of this rut and out of this shitty job that I'm starting to have heart burn and stomach pain. I can't sleep at night and I'm tired all the time. I feel trapped in a less than mediocre job and every morning that I wake up and realize I have to go to work, I die a little inside.  A lot of why I can't find another job is because I don't even want a job. I don't want to be someone's slave, where I must be somewhere specific the majority of my waking life in order to simply sustain myself. I'd rather just die. Seriously. If I knew with 100% certainty that I'd be here or somewhere similar in 20 years, I'd end my existence now. I don't know what I want to do with my life, and I still can't figure out how to discover that. The only thing I know I want is independence and freedom; I want to be able to do whatever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want without some job or financial handicap holding me back. I want to travel, explore, and dance. I don't know how I can support myself and do those things. That's my problem. The only thing I can think of is if I get in awesome shape then maybe I could do ballet professionally, but I'm not sure I'd be good enough. Or how long I'd be taking classes till I could seriously consider trying something like that. Surely, it'd be amazing and wonderful and I'd be happy. I just don't know how plausible of a goal it is. I dunno. I just wish I had some direction. Maybe I'll put my efforts towards doing it, and see where it takes me. Not like I have anywhere else to go... 

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Same ol', same ol'

As of late, not too much has been different. I'm trying to lose weight before vacation in November, so I'm trying to get up at 4 every morning to run for an hour. Today was successful! I think that later today, or possibly tomorrow, I will take measurements, and maybe post them here so I can see my progress. In the past, I've only monitored my weight, but now I'm interested in seeing results in size. I'm also planning to eat at least 1 fruit smoothie and 1 salad every day. We'll see how that goes. . .

I feel like I'm totally stuck in a rut and I'm completely unhappy. I hate my job--that I didn't get laid off from--and I can't find many opportunities out there. I'm also just bored 90% of the time. In an effort to push myself out of this rut, I plan on tonight:
                        *Vacuuming the house
                        *Sweeping and mopping le kitchen
                        *Practicing Violin & maybe Piano
                        *Learning more Russian on the Rosetta Stone
                        *Taking measurements of myself

So that's 5 items to address this evening. I think I can handle that.

I'm already 3 hours into work and this list is the most I've accomplished, so I'm gonna go do some slave labor now. . .

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Just Another Day

Well, I've moved from one infatuation to yet another. I've been a complete creep and spent a ridiculous amount of time watching Brian Warner interviews, and now I'm totally smitten by him. I'm such a dork about it that, yes, I daydream about meeting him and leaving a positive impression. And, of course, I'm pretty sure that, given the chance, I'd fuck him. He's so intelligent, and rational, and obviously talented. I'm not sure why, but I absolutely love how he smirks--especially at something he specifically said--during interviews. It's kind of cute how he even tries to hide it a bit. For whatever reason, when I've watched other famous individuals being interviewed it seemed obvious that they weren't their true selves, but it seems Brian is. I watch him, and I am convinced that what I see is his raw and genuine personality shining through. It's beautiful to see that in people--to recognize it. I feel like I actually know him. Or at least 'get' him. Even though he has been dynamic over the years, he's clearly maintained the same philosophical approach to life; and although I don't necessarily agree with all of it, I respect it and I deeply admire him.

He's actually opened my eyes to the world of art. I never had a full respect for art or artistic people until I watched and listened to him. He's incredibly unafraid of being himself and giving honest answers to honest questions which is what I admire most about him. It's what makes him easier to learn from and understand. I'll be a little less vague here, in one interview a young man from some sort of christian group asked him about his songs--I think specifically the Dope Show--and how they mention the word 'drugs' and he wanted Brian to speak to how that may be a negative influence on young, impressionable minds. Brian's response was (aside from calm and sexy) that in his songs he uses a lot of metaphors and that the word drug is a metaphor (I'm paraphrasing) for something that makes us numb to the world and distorts our perception of reality, and that he's really talking about how magazines, media, and sport-obsessions are a drug and we're all doped up on that shit and that there might be some people who misinterpret his lyrics, but that's not something for which he could reasonably be held responsible. Basically...  After seeing that I kind of stopped and thought Hmmm... That... Actually... Makes a lot of sense. Now I'll never look at life or music in the same way again. The metaphor isn't overly complex or difficult to understand, but it suddenly clicked for me that this is how he writes his music, and it was just suddenly quite clear. I almost feel guilty for not recognizing his talent and genuine nature. I must admit, I previously thought that the image of Marilyn Manson was just that, and not a true reflection of the man under the make-up. In reality, I guess the 'image' might actually be more of an accurate reflection of everyone; which could be why I feel like I know him so well, and also why some are so afraid of him. At any rate, I now have a new and interesting perspective that I can see life with, and every day is more adventuresome and fulfilling as I practice more deeply questioning my reality. It's exciting, in a way. I'm even a little tickled by it. It's funny how some ideas seem to just snowball, in an almost ridiculous manner.

I would be honored to meet and befriend such an inspiring individual, and he may not know it, but I am very grateful for his existence. At the very least he's influenced me in a positive direction, which doesn't happen often, and I appreciate his unique soul.

I suppose that's enough of my fantastical obsession for now.

It is what it is.

Love&Peace

Ugh

I am so so annoyed by Mr. T&S right now. I am totally fed up with his whole attitude and the stupid front he puts up. He has something I want, though, and I will supposedly be able to get it this weekend, but I'm having a hard time not burning that bridge. I just dislike him so much right now. He is seriously unbearable. I tried to just have a normal conversation with him, just a little back and forth texting and whatnot, but he can't even manage that. Every word, every expression on his face, every action he takes, these are all annoying and he's so fucking smug about himself at the same time. I just want to slap a bitch. UGH!!!

I sent him a message just talking about work and how I may be laid off or whatever, and he had no response whatsoever. None. Later, when he wanted to go with us this weekend to share some goods (that he probably can't share with anyone else, actually) he text me to ask, and acted like I never said anything. I kind of jokingly/sarcastically pointed that out and he says to me, "Aw, does someone need attention" to which I (holding back, mind you) responded with "...maybe.' and all he said after that was, "Well, you'll get attention this weekend..." Fucking Jew.

Then last night I had the horrifying experience of finding a black widow spider in my home, and, trying to be friendly and connect, I text him telling him I found a black widow in my house and he retorts with, "Ha."

I am SO tempted to be an enormous bitch to him, but I'm refraining until I get what I want... It's so fucking hard, though. I seriously hate this kid. I almost don't know if I even want to get the goodies anymore cuz I just don't want to deal with him. At all. Possibly ever again.

Let me sum up his character for you: Sarcastic, Condescending, Inconsiderate, Egotistical, and in conversation, outside of having those characteristics, he's nothing more than a handful of product reviews. He's the most empty, cynical, and unpleasant person I've dealt with in my life. I have zero respect for him, and it looks like it won't be improving any time soon. He's definitely on my shit list. Even though he is all of these things, he might be useful for attaining certain materials as well as possibly goals, so I think I have to just bite my tongue with this one.

I suspect he specifically tries to react and behave in the opposite way that people might anticipate. Perhaps he could use some perspective...

Well, now that I've vented I better get back to slaving away for the man.

It is what it is

Love & Peace

'Tis Life

B came to town the night before last. We all went out and had some drinks and hung out. It was fun. I really wish he lived closer to us. I'd enjoy seeing him every day. He seems to make lingering eye contact with me more often. I'm not sure if I'm just starting to pick up on it and haven't noticed it in the past, or what, but I would be lying if I said I didn't like it. Though, I also picked up on him eye fucking the waitress the whole night. I'm pretty curious as to what goes on in that mind of his. He definitely uses his facial expressions more than his words when he reacts to things, so it's tricky to understand what he's really thinking and I really can't tell whether they're positive or otherwise. I do feel a tad less 'infatuated,' but I'm still quite curious about what he thinks and feels with regard to anything and everything and also I still do wish we could see him more often. I'm really looking forward to our vacation in November.

I applied for three different jobs with three different companies. Hopefully I'll hear back from someone soon. We'll see...

Whoever is reading this right now, I don't know you, but I love you. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being interested in me and taking the time to read my thoughts. I love you for it. I really do.

It is what it is

Love & Peace

Unsettled; To Say the Least

I feel pretty overwhelmed right now. I found out a few days ago that I might be getting laid off. Apparently one of the directors over-spent on an account (the one that pays me...) so now they may have to let four people go. Which means I need to find a job ASAP. The only problem is, I don't want to stay in the industry I'm currently in, but I don't have enough experience to enter into another one without taking a pay cut, or moving. Thinking about it makes me want to puke. I'm going to apply for a software engineering position that was posted several months ago... Much luck will be needed... I'm seriously terrified, though. I've never even had a 'real' interview. I'm not sure if I'd even really enjoy it... That is, if I even get a response in the first place. Shit, this sucks.

I'm also a bit torn, or confused, or I don't know if I even completely understand. I don't know if I will regret writing about this, but I hope not. I think I might having feelings for B. Fuck, that's weird to say. I dunno why, but I keep having dreams about being intimate with him, and unlike dreams where I've been intimate with someone else, like Mr T&S, I don't wake up feeling awkward and disgusted or ashamed. I have even thought about what it would be like if we all lived together in a poly-amorous relationship. Problem is, I think both men would possibly be weird-ed out by the fact that I came up with this idea. I don't even know if the feeling is mutual. I feel kinda dumb about this. At the same time, if B did have the same feelings, unfortunately, I don't know that he'd ever talk about it, or give any indication. I may forever be in limbo. I really see us as all getting along marvelously, and I honestly think it could work. Which I couldn't say for anyone else. Another issue, is that both men could be overly concerned about what judgments their peers and family might pass; so much so that they could not love freely, and would choose to live in a way that doesn't necessarily make them happier, but appeases others. Worrying about what other people think can be extremely limiting and (from experience) causes more suffering than good. I personally think that leading by example, being awesome and successful as well as charitable folks that just so happen to live a different lifestyle, would change some perspectives. I just... I dunno. I also have to wonder if this is just some sudden and strange infatuation that may pass. Though, I kind of doubt it. If everyone were comfortable with trying it out, and sincerely happy with the idea, I genuinely feel it would work out for the best. I'm sure unforeseen challenges would arise, but I think we could manage them well. I feel pretty silly, getting really deep into this so quickly, but it just makes so much sense to me. The idea is incredibly appealing. It seriously crosses my mind every day now. No matter what happened, I think it would definitely be an interesting experience. It's interesting, comrade and I started off with mutual dislike that changed and became mutual love, and it almost seems as though the same could be true with B. Perhaps that's what makes our relationships so beautiful: the journey. I just wish others had a desire to be as open as I wish I could be... Frankly, I find the whole not talking about taboo things pretty stupid. After all, there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. This idea which was given by Shakespeare is, for the most part, grossly overlooked, in my opinion.

Well, those are the thoughts with which I am currently swept away. I would like to be in a stable, satisfying career with many opportunities for growth and independence. I would also like to know how B feels. How would it be? I'll leave my thoughts here, for now.

As B once said to me in an incredibly emotional setting, and shifted my entire perspective on how I live my life:
It is what it is

Love & Peace

1-20 of 68 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Damn Not Given, posted May 17th, 2013
Into the Abyss, posted May 3rd, 2013
Final Countdown, posted March 29th, 2013
Ctrl, posted March 1st, 2013
Something, posted February 21st, 2013
Hmph, posted February 8th, 2013
Letting Go, posted January 29th, 2013
Transitions, posted January 17th, 2013
It's Been a Little While, posted January 9th, 2013
Lost Again, posted December 19th, 2012
Improving, posted November 28th, 2012
Stagnant, posted November 6th, 2012
Two Steps Back, posted October 15th, 2012
Baby Steps, posted October 2nd, 2012
Meh, posted September 27th, 2012
Same ol', same ol', posted September 5th, 2012
Just Another Day, posted August 27th, 2012
Ugh, posted August 15th, 2012
'Tis Life, posted August 2nd, 2012
Unsettled; To Say the Least, posted July 23rd, 2012
Back so Soon, posted July 10th, 2012
New Post, posted July 9th, 2012
Day After Sunday, posted July 2nd, 2012
No Title, posted June 28th, 2012
Hey there, iwd,, posted May 24th, 2012
Happy happy Friday, IWD!, posted May 4th, 2012
Case of the Mondays, posted April 30th, 2012
The Last Three Days, posted February 21st, 2012
Bleh, posted February 18th, 2012
Oh Garsh, iwd,, posted February 7th, 2012
Friday? Already, iwd?!, posted February 3rd, 2012
Happy Tuesday, iwd,, posted January 31st, 2012
Hola, iwd,, posted January 17th, 2012
Yes, hello, iwd, posted January 11th, 2012
Here we are, iwd,, posted January 10th, 2012
Yet another day, iwd,, posted January 9th, 2012
Good Day, iwd,, posted January 5th, 2012
My darling iwd,, posted December 13th, 2011
Wednesday, posted November 10th, 2011
..., posted November 4th, 2011
Why hello, iwd,, posted October 25th, 2011
Hmm..., posted October 10th, 2011
Dear iwd,, posted September 29th, 2011
It's been a while, IWD,, posted September 23rd, 2011
My Dear Sweet iwd,, posted August 31st, 2011
Dear iwd,, posted August 22nd, 2011
Herro, iwd,, posted August 19th, 2011
G'morning, iwd,, posted August 17th, 2011
Salutations, iwd,, posted August 16th, 2011
Hi there, IWD,, posted August 12th, 2011
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