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It's Been a Little While | ilikeitraw's Blog


Well, I'm not sure how to start this, so I'll begin by discharging my more 'negative' thoughts. As you can probably guess, it relates to Mr T&S. He's been set on the back-burner under the title 'friendly acquaintance' for a while now, but after some recent mistreatment--which included, but wasn't limited to, him throwing a hard, plastic and wood drink menu at my fucking face--I've officially thrown him down the ranks to 'acquaintance.' I made sure he was acutely aware of this transition, and have received no response, apology, acknowledgement, or anything of the sort.  I don't expect change. In the moments when he was being a dick on New Year's Eve, I have never, in my entire life, felt so compelled to slap a bitch. I've been treated poorly by others, arguably much worse than how Mr T&S treated me, but I've never been so disgusted and enraged by someone. I suppose you could say that this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Since that night, my view of him changed dramatically, and my respect for him dropped lower than I thought possible. What gets me the most, is the fact that he hasn't spoken to me since. I probably wouldn't be as upset if he had apologized or explained himself in some way. I'm not really upset at the fact that he hasn't spoken to me, more confused, but this fact has intensified my displeasure. He makes me feel worthless; and I would be incredibly dim if I were to still regard this person as my friend. I won't go so far as to say that I hate him, but I also won't go so far as to say I like him. He has contributed significantly to my experiences, but it seems his contribution has come to an end. At this point, his presence takes away from my experiences--which is how I have felt the last five times I've seen him. This is where we currently reside. My last thought on this issue is: there are always multiple sides to every story, and I know only one with regards to this particular story--mine. I don't care too much to revisit this story with him, but if he decides to re-open this book, I'm open to reading his version.

I recently applied for a new job, and this one I actually hope to get. I applied to others and was interviewed, but wasn't terribly excited at the prospects. This position, however, I am quite excited about and I truly hope I am offered the job. We shall see...

Recently, while drowning in more of my imaginary dialogues with Brian Warner, I discovered that I actually don't want to meet him. Ever. It was a strange and sad realization, and I cried when I thought about it. If we were to actually meet, I don't know what I would say to him, and I'm fairly certain the meeting would be so short it would be almost pointless. I'm also fairly certain that since I've imagined meeting him so many times and talking for a relatively long time, that it is unlikely I would be anything other than disappointed and underwhelmed by the real experience. I guess I'm mostly afraid that I would be unnoticed in some way, when I'm wanting to make a real and lasting connection. In fact, the chances of him pursuing a connection with any one of his fans while doing a meet and greet is so slim, that I'm almost guaranteed disappointment. Also, in picturing the actual event of meeting him in person, I see myself being so overwhelmed with shyness that I don't know if I could even really go through with it; and even if I did, it would, in all likelihood, end with me just wishing it had gone differently and that he was actually interested in me as a person. I realize that I am paralyzed by my fear, but my fear doesn't seem irrational or illogical. The only other thing I feel I can point to is that I would be unable to go into the situation without some sort of expectation, and expectations are the framework for disappointment. If I could let go of my expectations, I believe I could also release my fear. Ugh, now I'm reconsidering... I'll leave it at this: if he comes to my town and I happen to have an extra 500 bucks, I promise myself that I will use the opportunity to put myself out there and give it a go. In fact, if at any point in the future, such an opportunity presents itself, I promise myself to take the opportunity to practice letting go as well as talking to strangers.

In other news... I've decided to attempt to develop psychic abilities. Yeah, I'm gonna be one of 'those' people. It's quite funny, really. Throughout my life I've looked at 'those' people with disdain and an air of condescension, and I'm well on my way to being the complete nut I would have hated to meet only a few years ago. I digress... I'm convinced that modern science is simply behind and our tools can only measure so much; and consciousness is one thing that cannot currently be measured or studied well.  I also think that, though there certainly exist people who claim to possess such abilities and attempt to use them without pure intentions, I believe that it's completely possible that genuine abilities exist; for the same reasons people believe in the existence of ghosts, spirits, or any other paranormal phenomena. There is at least a grain of truth to everything out there. I also believe that if there were truth to government conspiracies, one thing that they would most definitely want to make sure of is that the general populous consists of people who don't believe in themselves and are out of touch with their 'higher' selves. You see, if everyone developed psychic abilities, and fully recognized and utilized the law of attraction, there would be no hope of controlling anyone. If people are deluded into thinking that it's even possible for them to be controlled, then they will simply LET themselves be controlled. This would potentially work to a degree, given that the control isn't consciously handed over, but it is willingly handed over nonetheless. However, if we were to awaken ourselves and tune into our 'collective consciousness,' then we would find our freedom and, ultimately, our bliss. In light of the things mentioned above, I am actively pursuing a better connection with my unconscious mind, higher self, god, or whatever you may call it. For reference, I am meditating daily now, eating more 'living' foods, and questioning my reality a little more every day. Hopefully, even if I don't develop kickass, magic powers, these choices will still benefit me in some way.

It is what it is

Live and let live

Love & Peace


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