Letting Go | ilikeitraw's Blog

I'm still not sure how to express myself appropriately. I feel a deep desire to create, but I'm at a loss as to how or what to create. I feel empty. Hollow. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I'm beginning to realize that I HAVE been living my life for others and not for myself. I've done what others want me to do, and not what I want to do. I'm pretty sure I've been doing this for most of my life; which is why I don't quite know how to start living for myself. I haven't a clue what I really want to do, what I like, and what my passions are. Frankly, this scares the shit out of me. Do I even have a chance at living a life I enjoy? Is it too late for me now? What the fuck do I do??? How would I even start?

When I compare myself to myself, and assess my achievements and what I'm proud of doing in my life, I find that I am not proud of my academic success (or lack thereof), nor am I proud of my accomplishments at work; but I am proud of my sculptures, collages, and the progress I made while I was doing ballet. I recently started thinking of these things because of an article I read that was about finding your purpose, and I'd never looked at my life and desires in terms of my achievements and things of which I am proud. You know what else I'm proud of? I'm proud of myself for having the courage to share my thoughts here, even though it is supposedly anonymous. I've considered numerous times deleting every single stupid post on here, but I've fought my inner critic and still want to leave this vulnerable space open. For now.

I am afraid of pursuing those things of which I am and would be proud, because I worry I won't be good, or good enough; and I'm scared that I will end up embarrassing myself.

I guess if I want to be happy in this life, I need to let go of my fears and embrace the things that I love. As long as I'm loving it, whether I can do it well or not doesn't really matter.

Let the exploring begin.

Love & Peace

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